


We are who we are

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Autism, Autistic!Fili, Autistic!Ori, F/M, Fili and Kili have a system worked out, Friendship, M/M, MtF!Kíli, Multi, Ori has a puppy crush or two, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sibling Love, autistic characters, gender swap, transgender character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-01-19 05:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1458133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ori likes himself the way he is.<br/>He also like Fili and Kili the way they are, though he knows they'll never know he exists.<br/>But when he witnesses something unexpected at a party, Ori realizes he might have more in common with the royal siblings than he'd ever have expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the Party

**Author's Note:**

> this is the sort of things that happen when I write headcanons for some dwarves being autistic, and no one stops me orz  
> but then again, there ain't ever enough autistic headcanons in any fandoms /o/

Ori didn’t mind being the way he was. He couldn’t really imagine being any other way, or else he would no longer be himself. The only thing that mattered, Dori said sometimes, was to know his strength so he could fully use them, and his limits so that he could know when to stop.

Knowing his strength was easy. He could spend hours working on a drawing to make it perfect, he could write and write until his wrist was ready to fall off, and he had learned to use his slingshot so well that he could hit a fly in the dark (just the once, mind, but still). His sensitive sense of smell was really useful when it was Dori’s turn to cook and he’d forget something on the fire, too. These, and other things, were his strengths. He liked them. They were good things, and Ori was proud of himself for them.

He was less at ease with his limits. He so wished that he could be at ease around people… like Dori, who seemed to make friends with anyone, and was capable of chatting about everything, if only a little. He also wished loud noises or even simple conversations didn’t tire him so much, and that he was less picky with his food… and with his clothes, come to think of it. Jumpers were nice and comfortable, but they weren’t terribly attractive, and Ori did dream of being found handsome, some day. Handsomeness seemed such a capital element in finding love, at least from what he’d heard and seen. But any nicer clothes he had were uncomfortable and itchy, and so jumpers had to do. These were his limits. He didn’t like them, and he wished he didn’t have them.

He wished…

He wished he were better with people, and braver, and handsomer.

He wished…

He wished he were more like _Fili_.

Fili was perfect, or as close to perfection as any dwarf could ever be.

Fili was strong and graceful and clever, he was painfully handsome, he always had a smile for everyone, he didn’t speak much but always found the right thing to say when he did… Fili was amazing and Ori would have given anything to be more like him. To be someone who didn’t make a mess every time he talk to people, and could talk to them for more than five minutes before needing some time alone to recover… someone who could look at others in the eyes, and not panic.

He wanted to be like Fili.

Or to befriend him.

Or to kiss him, depending on the days.

Any sort of close proximity would have done the trick, really, but Ori knew better than to hope. Fili was a prince, a future king, and Ori was…

Well.

He was Ori.

With his books and his big jumpers and his words that got stuck in his throat when he tried to speak out loud.

Hardly something that could ever catch the eye of someone as perfect as Fili.

  


Fili’s only defect, as it were, was probably his sister Kili. And even there, defect was a pretty strong word. There was nothing wrong as such with the princess. She was a lively, energetic girl, always ready to laugh and joke and have fun, and sometimes Ori envied her too, for how easily she chatted with others. But she was a silly young thing (older than Ori, but still) and she almost always brought attention to herself by saying very funny things, or rude ones at times… but she was smiling so much and being so relaxed about it all that no one seemed to really mind. Even Fili didn’t seem angry at her, not even when she did these silly things as he was trying to talk to people and it took the attention from him… Ori admired him for this too. He was certain he’d have been angry if this happened while he was talking.

But then, maybe it was just impossible to be angry at Kili. She did have such a warm smile after all.

  


Ori did not have many occasions to be near the royal siblings, of course. He was a scribe and they were royalty. And more importantly, he tended to stay home where it was safe and quiet, and where the siblings had little enough reason to come. He knew that sometimes, Dori went to parties where Fili and Kili were, but he was usually excused from going.

Usually, but not always.

Lord Balin, for whom Ori had worked a little over the past summer, had organised a party to celebrate something, and he had gone out of his way to invite Ori and his brother. Ori had tried to make an argument that it had just been out of politeness, and probably a ploy to get Dori to come. But his brother had insisted that it would be good for him to try sometimes to be around people.

“Maybe you’ll meet nice people,” their mother agreed. “You should try to make friends, sweetie. It’d be good for you.”

Ori had shrugged, because it wasn’t as if he’d never tried. He wanted friends. He wanted to have fun with people like everyone else did, but he always ended up doing something wrong and being cast away. It wasn’t fun for anyone involved, and Ori would rather have just given up on the whole thing. But if mother ordered it, there was no way around it.

As soon as Dori and him stepped inside Lord Balin’s house, Ori knew this would be a chore. There were so many people chattering everywhere, loudly, and there was music, and fancy food with a smell that slapped his nose over and over. And Dori, who had promised to stay by his side the entire time, was soon captured by Balin who wanted to introduce him to some friends. Ori was alone in front of all this. He was alone, and he had to make himself even more alone if he wanted to survive the night.

Thankfully, Balin’s house was big, and it was easy to find a small, quiet, dark corner where to hide. It was easy to curl up on himself against the wall until he calmed down. Beside, he was close enough to the actual party to hear voices, and when Dori would start looking for him, he would easily know it. It even became a game, once he was no longer panicked by all the sensations. Having nothing better to do, Ori listened, and tried to recognise voices, and once he recognised them he would attempt to understand what they said. It was not the game of the century, but it was better than nothing… and it was how he realised that the royal siblings had been invited too.

He wondered briefly if it should have worried him that he could so easily recognise Fili’s calm and controlled voice, or Kili’s merry chatter. He soon pushed away the thought, and instead listened more attentively.

At first, it was mostly Fili speaking, and though Ori couldn’t hear the full conversation, it seemed to be about some serious matter. The prince managed to laugh about it sometimes, but even his laugh was under control. Another thing Ori envied him: when _he_ laughed, he just didn’t know how to stop… and just as he thought that, Kili’s loud laugh rang, almost as uncontrollable as his own. She also started talking a lot more after that, not leaving any space for her brother, but no one called her out on it.

The perks of being a princess with a beautiful smile.

After a few minutes, Fili started talking again, and for a while, Kili fell silent. It did not last though. Before long, she started chatting again, louder than earlier. And then, as if she felt she’d not made herself the center of attention enough, she grabbed her brother, shouted she wanted to show him something, and dragged him away from the party.

And toward Ori’s hiding place.

Ori curled up tighter in his dark corner, terrified he might be discovered and accused of spying or worse… he almost panicked when the siblings stopped across from him, but they were thankfully too distracted to notice him.

Kili, who had been laughing pretty loud, stopped entirely the instant her brother and her felt alone, but it was Fili who interested Ori the most. The prince, who was usually standing straight and in perfect control of his every movement, was almost staggering, half leaning on his sister. When they arrived at Ori’s level, Fili pushed Kili away and sat down, almost falling to the ground. That was strange, because everyone knew that the prince hardly drank at all, and never to the point of being drunk.

“I’ll get your some water and something to eat,” Kili announced. “Don’t move from here, okay? I’ll be back in a second, don’t move.”

Her brother ignored her entirely, but the princess didn’t seem unfazed by this and she went back running to the party. When she was gone, Fili curled up on himself and started rocking slightly back and forth. That was strange, once again, but it wasn’t until the prince started clawing at his left wrist that Ori got it.

It was a gesture he’d too often seen on Nori, that Dori had taken too many years to erase from Ori’s own list of habits, taking pains to replace it with something where he didn’t harm himself...

Fili was like him.

Fili, brave Fili who spoke so well in public and was always so perfect in everything he did, Fili was like Ori.

Ori’s fingers clenched on his scarf as he watched the prince try to regain his calm. He’d always known there were other dwarves like him, he’d found them reading, and talking with his mother’s friend Oin who was a healer… and the fact that Nori was like this too had been another proof. But he’d never have expected someone like Fili to be like them.

Like him but not quite, because while Fili was clearly much better around people, he’d not learned there were other ways than pain to regain control.

Normally Ori would never have dared to go near the prince, let alone give him advice, but he couldn’t bear to see him in that state, not when he’d been there before and could try to help. So before he could stop himself, the scribe uncurled himself, stood up, and removed his scarf from his neck to put it on Fili’s shoulders.

The prince’s startled, and tensed up, but he didn’t look up, as if he were frozen. Ori knew that feeling, too. And at any other time, with any other person, he’d have ran away to beg Dori to take him home, but he couldn’t bear to think of Fili in pain like this.

“It’s better at clawing,” he tried to explain. “The wool feels nice and soft and it’s relaxing and, and, and…”

Ori forced himself to stop, and bit his lips. He wished Fili would have looked up at him, so he could have used Iglishmek. It was always so much easier to talk with his hands than with his voice, but since this wasn’t an option, he took a deep breath and tried again.”

“When things become too much, I rub my scarf against my hands or my face and it helps, and… and if you don’t like wool use something else, but clawing’s bad. Anything that hurt’s bad.”

“Feels good,” Fili grunted, digging his nails into his wrist so hard that his knuckles went white.

“Touching nice things feels better and it doesn’t leave a mark. Try it.”

The prince’s hand clenched harder, and then relaxed.

“How do you know that?”

“I used to bite my forearms, and then I clawed at them, and then I pulled on my hair, and then I switched to the scarf and it’s better.”

Fili looked up at last, glancing a few times at his face and frowning. He was still rocking, and a little harder now, but he finally stopped clawing his wrist. Looking away from Ori, he brought his right hand to the scarf, caressing it hesitantly. Ori stepped back and looked away too, in an attempt to give him some privacy. He knew how intense a good sensation could get.

“It works I think,” Fili mumbled, sounding surprised.

Ori grinned, and nodded fervently. He was about to let the prince all the things he did or knew off to calm oneself, but approaching footstep stopped him. Kili soon appeared, carrying a mug in one hand, and holding a tray with food on the other. She was smiling, until she saw Ori and glared at him. It made her look almost as scary as her uncle, and Ori panicked. There were probably rules against talking to a prince the way he just had. He probably wasn't allowed to give an old, home-made scarf to someone who was royalty, to a future king, and to chat with him about coping mechanism as if they'd known each other their whole life. Certainly he'd meant well, he'd only wanted to help, but he had probably messed up and done something bad. He always did when he was allowed around people.

And so, terrified by the princess's glare, Ori did the only possible thing : he ran away.

Dori, thankfully, didn't ask any questions when his little brother begged him to go home. If anything, he seemed pleasantly surprised to have had this much time to chat with lord Balin and his friends. He praised Ori for doing so well, but his brother didn't hear it. He just wanted to be home, grab something soft, and forget that once again, he'd messed up everything.

The only thing that did calm him down a little, as they walk home, was the absolute certainty that the royal siblings had no idea who he was, and that he would never see them again. 

 


	2. invitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori was convinced he'd never see the royal siblings again, but Kili has plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for slight ableism on Kili's part

Two days after the party, when Ori came home from work, Kili was in the kitchen, chatting with his mother.

“And there he is, just in time!” Ari exclaimed when she saw him. “Ori, her highness came here to see you.”

“Yes I did!” Kili cheerfully confirmed, tapping a small bag she'd put on the table. “First of all, I came to bring back your scarf. You forgot it at Balin’s party.” She took Ori's scarf out of the bag, and held it toward him. When he didn't come to take it, she just put it on the table. “I also bring my brother’s thanks, for helping him at that party. He is very grateful, and hopes to thank you in person soon, but he’s busy right now. Lessons on how to be a king and that sort of _boring_ business. But until then, he thought you might appreciate this.”

This, as it turned out, was a book, and she stood up to come put it directly into Ori’s hands.

“With all our thanks,” she said, “ _and_ my apologies for not being too nice that night. I didn’t know you were helping, and I sort of jumped to conclusions, sorry?”

“What exactly did Ori help you with?” Ari asked, staring curiously at the book that her son did not dare open yet.

“State business, m'am,” The princess announced merrily. “Can't tell you more than that, but your son helped a _lot_. And in fact, we'd like to have him for dinner someday, to thank him further and see if he can help us again. Would you like that, Ori?”

Ori froze, barely able to breathe. It had been too much in too little time, and he couldn't deal with so much information to process all at once. Ari immediately noticed, and started explaining to the princess that her son was very grateful for the invitation, but wasn't very at ease among strangers, and certainly not for a long period of time.

At any other time, Ori would have let her speak, and be glad that she understood so well.

But this was Fili and Kili asking him for dinner, wanting to speak to him. It was probably just to make sure he wouldn't tell anyone what he'd seen at the party, but they still wanted to talk to him, and it send his heart racing. They wanted to talk to him. The thought ran and ran and ran in his mind. They wanted to talk to him. He'd mess it up because he always did, but it didn't matter. They wanted to talk to him.

“I'll go!” he squeaked.

Kili grinned at him, while his mother frowned.

“It's great!” the princess exclaimed. “How about... next friday, in two days? I'll come here and pick you up after work, it'll be easier. You do not need to dress up, there'll only be my brother and I at home. Are there any food that are a problem for you? Don't hesitate to tell me now. Fee _hates_ slimy stuff something _fierce_ , so we don’t judge on food things.”

Ori took a deep breath, trying to calm down and control his throat again. His mother looked ready to step in again, but he stopped her with a pleading look. She looked ready to suggest that Dori went with him to that dinner, and Ori didn't want it. They wanted to talk to him, and he had to manage to talk back, no matter how hard it would be.

He waved his hand to make sure he had Kili's attention, and started signing.

/I don't like raw food, and I don't eat things that are green./

Kili nodded, and thankfully didn’t say anything about his switching to Iglishmek. “Fair enough. Anything else you need to know? I'll take you back home afterward, unless it gets really late, in which case we'll find you a place to sleep at home. Don't worry about bringing night clothes, Fili's about your size so you will borrow from him if it comes to that.”

Ori nodded back, and smiled. It was nice, the way she was trying to tell him everything he'd need or _not_ need to do in preparation... and it only confirmed his doubts about Fili. Kili knew too well what to say for it to be the first time she did this.

“I've got to go now, or Ama will be cross with me for coming home late,” Kili sighed, rolling her eyes. “But thanks for saying yes. Fili'll be so happy... and I am too, of course. See you on friday!”

She quickly thanked Ari for letting her in, and ran off.

“Well, she's something,” Ari mumbled when the princess was gone. “I feel sorry for her mother, dealing with such a ball of energy... At least, her brother's quiet enough, I've heard. And you...” she turned to her son, looking worried. “Are you sure about this? They might be noble, but you are allowed to refuse if you don't want to obey them.”

“I want to. It's. Fili and Kili! I'm. I'm. I'm!” Ori paused, and took a breath, not even caring that his left hand started flapping on his side. “I _really_ want to go, mama.”

“Very well, if it's important to you... but if anything makes you ill at ease, you have to tell them. I'm very glad that you're making friends, and I know you’ll want to make a good impression, but it is not worth having you collapse the minute you get home and unable to leave your bed for days. If you are to be friends with them, they have to know right away how it is going to be.”

 _Before you get too attached and it hurts when they realise how you are and push you away_ , she didn't have to add. Ori hadn't always been too wise in his attempts to make friends. But this time it would be different. Fili was _like him_ , he wouldn't despise Ori for not being able to party every night, and neither would Kili who had not seemed angry at her brother at the party. If they did want more than to just ask for his silence, it should be easy to be friends with them, easier than it had ever been with anyone else.

 _If_ they wanted more than his silence.

 

Friday came too fast and too slow all at once. In the morning, Ori put on his nicest, most comfortable jumper, braided his hair carefully, and set out to work. He was privately glad that the royal siblings had picked a work day for that dinner, because instead of being at home and pacing nervously while trying to imagine everything that could happen, he had something to focus on. He wondered if it was why they had suggested a friday, but he didn’t wonder very long, because he had more immediate problems to mind. Master Gloin, who had hired him for the month, needed to have a few letters written to his associates, and a report on the commercial value of hobbit cheese written. It was not fascinating, but he’d done worse… and he rather liked cheese, so learning more about it was always good.

And then, when he arrived home, the panic started, because Kili was there. She was wearing a plain blue tunic, and her hair was a mess, as if she’d just run from the training ground. Which she said she had, because her master wouldn’t let her go early, no matter how much she’d asked.

“Dwalin’s such a sour old thing,” she laughed. “He’d make me train night and day if he could! Fili’s lucky that he has good excuses to escape it! Are you trained with weapons, Ori?”

Ori shook his head, and Kili shrugged, clearly not surprised.

“If you want, you could come train with Fili and me one day,” she suggested. “It can be fun! But that’ll wait another day. We’d better go now, Fee won’t be happy if we’re late and something burns! See you later, ma’am Ari, and don’t worry, I’ll bring back your son in one piece!”

Ari laughed, warning her that she’d be in trouble otherwise, and they left.

“You don’t speak a lot, do you?” Kili asked after a moment.

“Sorry.”

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she chuckled. “Fili’s like that too, so I’m used to it. But you’re a lot quieter than him…”

“I find it hard at times,” Ori confessed. “Words... get stuck. I can think them but they. They. They. They never come out right. Sometimes they don't come out at all.”

Kili seemed to ponder that for a moment.

“Fee told me the same once or twice. But usually he still manages. Most people would never know that he’s… different, not unless they really know him, but you… I’d noticed you before, you know, because you’re rather pretty, but I thought you were… Well, that you were…”

“You thought I was an idiot,” Ori finished for her, twisting his hands in his jumper.

Kili grimaced, and nodded. “Hope you won’t hold it against me. But when we asked Balin who you were, he said you were actually pretty clever, and hard working, and all that. So I guess it’s a lesson and I shouldn’t judge on appearances and all that.”

Ori shrugged, staring at the ground as he walked. This was _not_ a very good start. It was never pleasant to be reminded that from the outside, his habits could appear so strange. Then again, usually that was something people told him toward the end of a friendship, rather than at the start. Maybe it would be different this time.

“M’al, I guess that was pretty rude of me?” Kili chuckled. “Sorry. I’m a bit tired, usually I’m not _that_ bad… I _swear_ I don’t think badly of you. I really want to get along with you. What you did for Fili… I can never thank you enough for it. I’ve always hated how hurt he is in those moments, and I had no idea there were other ways for him to calm down! We _really_ owe you.”

“Glad I could help,” Ori replied. And then, feeling it was maybe too short an answer to such a declaration, he added, “I don’t like when people hurt.”

He winced as the words left his mouth. The entirety of his meaning had been ‘I do not like when people hurt and even less when it’s a situation I’ve experienced because it reminds me of my own pain and when I ways to help them deal with their pain’ but his brain-to-mouth filter was a little too strong sometimes, and he ended up saying painfully obvious things. Thankfully, Kili didn’t seem to mind, and started chattering about how dreadful she was at helping others when they didn’t feel right.

She talked a lot, but Ori didn’t really mind. She occasionally paused to see if he wanted to say something, but she didn’t appear insulted when he remained silent, and she seemed perfectly happy to have him only as a patient ear.

It was… surprisingly nice and comfortable, and Ori decided he could probably like the princess after all.


	3. having dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori has doubts, and some things are discussed

It took them near half an hour to get to the royal family’s house. It wasn’t quite what Ori had expected. He’d imagine some great palace, a castle carved straight into the mountain and announcing the glory of the royal family of Erebor, a place worthy of them and their great history. Instead, their house wasn’t much bigger than Ori’s.

“There we are!” Kili cheerfully announced. “What do you think?”

“It’s very small.”

The princess frowned at him, and Ori clenched his fingers in his jumper, his mind racing to find how to explain he hadn’t meant it in a bad way. After a few seconds, Kili just chuckled, and went to open the door.

“Fee, we’re here!” she shouted, before gently pushing Ori inside.

Fili soon appeared in the entrance, scowling at his sister.

“You are late,” he accused, before turning toward Ori and smiling. “Hello Ori! I am glad to properly meet you. Thank you for your help the other night, it was very appreciated. I hope Kili didn’t tire you too much? She can be quite the chatterbox.”

Ori shrugged, and stared warily at the prince. He seemed so at ease, the words flowing so naturally from his mouth, just as they did for Kili, though he spoke a little quickly maybe. It made Ori’s stomach twist in envy, and more than anything it made him doubt. Maybe Fili wasn’t like him at all after all.

“Someone here has to talk,” Kili claimed. “ _Clearly_ it’s not going to be the two of you. Do you drink Ori?”

He shook his head quickly, hands clenched on his jumper. Suddenly, this dinner didn’t seem like such a great idea. He had counted on the fact that Fili was like him, that they would have some common ground, but that had been a mistake. Fili was nothing like him, he clearly didn’t get words stuck between his head and his mouth, and this would just be an evening of watching the siblings talk while he felt awkward and couldn’t contribute anything to the discussion.

“I don’t drink either,” Fili admitted. “Well, no, I _obviously_ drink. Everyone drinks. But I do not drink alcohol. We have some nice apple juice though, if you like that?”

Ori nodded slowly, and allowed the prince to pull him into the main room while Kili went to fetch the juice (all the while complaining about being exploited most unfairly). Ori was shown a nice, comfy chair covered with a nicely rough fabric that he would have touched and scratched to enjoy its texture, had he been alone. Things being what they were, and with Fili being so obviously _not_ like him, he dared not do anything he knew to be strange.

“You don’t speak a lot, do you?” Fili asked, throwing him a queer look, and Ori had to fight back a laugh. “What’s funny?”

“Kili said the same just earlier.”

He half expected Fili to frown, or ask him _why_ that was funny. Instead, the prince smirked.

“I bet she did. I… You know, I… I really wanted to talk to you because I had never met someone who seemed to… to _get_ it before, but now you’re here and I just don’t know what to say to you. Sorry, that was probably rude?”

Ori shook his head. “It’s the same.” He took a deep breath, and made himself speak as slowly as he could, to choose his words carefully. “I thought you were like me, but you’re really not.”

“How so?”

“You can talk. It’s _easy_ for you.”

Fili frowned and looked confused, as if the very idea of it were strange to him.

“It’s not easy at all,” he protested. “It’s the hardest thing. Kili helps me, and I force myself to do it a lot… but it’s not easy. If I didn’t have Kili, I wouldn’t manage at all.”

“Damn right you wouldn’t,” Kili exclaimed, coming with with a bottle and glasses. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but it’s certain you wouldn’t manage without me. No one manages without me, and everyone should have a me to help them. Do you want me to help you, Ori? I’ve got a very busy schedule, but I’m sure I could free myself for _you_.”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

Kili smirked strangely at that, but she said nothing, and just handed him a glass that she filled with juice. After having done the same for Fili, she sat next to her brother.

“So, what were you boys talking about? Beside how wonderful I am, I mean?”

“We were trying to see if we were similar or not,” her brother replied. “Ori thinks not, because he says talking is easy for me.”

The princess grinned. “Well, you’re much better at it now than a couple years ago, so he has a point,” she claimed. “I wouldn’t say it’s easy, though. And you can’t do it for very long lately. You used to last longer at parties… but then again, Thorin didn’t use to drag you with him all day long so often, back in the days.”

Fili nodded, a frown on his face and his hand clenched on his glass.

“I try my best,” was his only comment.

“Of course you do. And your best is awesome,” Kili assured him with a kind smile. “But it’s got consequences, as Ori saw the other day. Does that happen to you, Ori? Moment when you go all… not really working anymore because there’s too much people and noise?”

“And smells, and lights,” Fili added. “I could have dealt with the rest, but M’al, the smell of food at Balin’s that night…”

Ori nodded quickly, grimacing. The smells had been too intense at the party, for him at least. He’d heard Dori tell their mother that they had been strong maybe, but rather nice and had made him very hungry.

/I hate the smell of cooked endives/ he explained, /and there was artichokes too and.../

He froze, noticing the way Fili was staring at his hands. The prince’s eyes were wide open, as if he were watching something incredible and scandalous.

“Sorry,” Ori mumbled quickly.

Some people didn’t like when he switched to Iglishmek, especially not if they knew he could talk. He’d been told that it was lazy of him, that he needed to make the effort, that it was because of things like that people didn’t like him, that…

“I’d never have thought of using it like that,” Fili mumbled with an air of wonder, putting away his glass. “That’s so _clever_! I talk to Kili a lot in Iglishmek when we don’t want to be noticed, but I’d never have thought of just… _talking_ with it. How did you think of it?”

“My brother.”

“I’d never have thought Dori would be the sort to chat in Iglishmek,” Kili commented.

“Not him. The other one.”

Ori was too young to remember a time when they didn’t all know Iglishmek, but Nori had told him the story of his younger days, when he never managed to talk at all, and everyone would have thought he was mute, if not for the way he shouted when he got angry… and Nori used to get angry often enough as a child. But growing up, he’d ended up in rather doubtful company, and it had its bad sides, but also good ones. Thieves and such people seemed to use Iglishmek a lot, especially when they operated near humans, and for Nori it had been a revelation. Dori and their mother had been rather doubtful about it at first, because like Fili, they’d never thought of Iglishmek used as _more_ than a way to chat discreetly around other races…But once they’d realise how easier it made things for Nori, they’d taken to it rather easily, and when Ori had showed signs of have the same problems, they hadn’t thought twice before teaching him Iglishmek too.

He didn’t know how to explain all of that though, and wasn’t sure he was supposed to speak of Nori’s life anyway.

“Nori’s like me,” he said instead, hoping it would be enough.

It was. Fili gasped and clasped his hands twice, before he realised what he’d done and he put his hands back on his knees, blushing.

And that gesture, more than anything, gave Ori hope.

Maybe they _were_ the same after all.

Only, he didn’t have time to say anything about it, because a smell caught his attention, and Fili’s. The prince jumped from his chair, shouting about dinner being about to burn, and Kili showed Ori to a round little table.

The food, as it turned out, was rather nice. Ori was surprised to learn that Fili had cooked it himself, and confessed that he just wasn’t allowed in the kitchen at all.

“I’m a little clumsy. A _lot_ clumsy.”

“Oh, he’s clumsy too,” Kili replied, sticking her tongue out at her brother when he glared at her. “He keeps cutting and burning himself when he cooks. How many new scars today, brother dearest?”

“I do _not_ have to answer that.”

“Which means a lot,” Kili whispered to Ori. “But fine, I think we’ve established, and more than established, that you have the same problems. Fili isn’t as weird as he thought he was, hurra, and all that. How about we talk about something _fun_ now? For example… Ori, what are your hobbies? Balin said you liked books, and that you play a little music. What do you play?”

“Flute.”

“Oh, that’s nice! We play the violin! Well, _I_ play the violin. Fili dropped it a few years ago, said he was too busy. I’m not as good as he was though, but I could be worse. I’ll play for you someday, if you want. What else do you like doing?”

“I read. I draw…”

“Oh, you’ll have to show us!” Kili exclaimed. “What sort of things do you draw? Can you draw poneys? Can you draw people? Could you draw me, you think?”

“Maybe…”

“Oh, you’ll have to. I’ll play the violin for you, and you’ll draw me, that’s a deal! What sort of books do you read? Do you like the saga of Durin the Second? It’s Fili’s favourite.”

Ori nodded, trying to focus on breathing, and staring at his plate as he waited in dread for the next question. Kili opened her mouth again, but her brother tapped her shoulder twice, and she immediately threw him a worried look. Fili shook his head.

“Not me, him,” he said, pointing at Ori.

“Sorry,” Ori immediately mumbled, but Fili shook his head again.

“It’s fine. New people, it’s… _something_. And she’s something, even when you know her.”

Fili smiled at him kindly, and Kili smiled apologetically, and Ori managed to smile back. It had been too many questions too fast, but they didn’t seem angry at him, and that was new. Fili just watched attentively the way he played with his scarf to calm himself, as if that was something wonderful.

“It’s the same scarf you had at the party, isn’t it?” Kili asked. “The one you left behind… oh! Sorry, maybe I should stop asking so many questions for now… I’m told I talk a lot at times. But I’m going to shut up. Now. This very moment. This is me shutting up. Notice how I stopped talking.”

Fili rolled his eyes, but Ori smiled at her, and signed a quick ‘thank you’. It was nice to be given time to calm down. It was never _that_ easy to regain control, but it was nice anyway, and it at the very least meant not panicking _more_.

“Better now,” he said when he felt he’d soon start worrying about making the silence last too much. “Sorry. I get. Sometimes. It’s too much.”

Both siblings nodded sympathetically. They were perfectly synchronised as they did, and for some reason it made Ori laugh. They looked at him in confusion, and their expression were so perfectly identical that Ori just laughed harder. After a few seconds he calmed down enough to sign to them what had been funny, and they both smirked.

“We’re not the same at all!” they said with one voice, both putting their left hand on their heart. “How can you say that, Ori? Look, we are different as night and day,” they added, pointing at each other’s hair, and their air of mock horror was so exaggerated that Ori almost choked. The siblings lost their cool after that, and giggled with him.

“It’s good to know we can still do that,” Kili sighed when she had calmed down. “We used to do it as kids, it annoyed Ama and uncle so much. We told everyone we were twins, but that I’d been forgotten in the sun one day and my hair had burnt.”

“It doesn’t work that way!” Ori protested.

“As we learned a few years after Ada told her that,” Fili chuckled. “We were both very disappointed. But on the bright side, it meant I stopped being scared of going outside. Kili wasn’t the only gullible one… and we were both _very_ disappointed to realise we were not twins.”

Ori nodded, unsure how to react. It seemed impossible to him that anyone could ever take them for twins, because they looked nothing the same… but at the same time, not all twins looked the same. Some really were as different as Fili and Kili… but it didn’t account for the difference in age that must have been more obvious when they were younger. Or maybe this was just a joke they were saying to try to make him laugh again, and they never had believed they were twins? It _could_ have been a joke, but Ori dared not ask.

 

The conversation went more easily after that. Kili started asking questions again, but only one at a time, and she gave both boys time to answer. Ori was still nervous he didn't manage to reply quite as often as he would have liked, but things were still fin. Once or twice Kili lost her patience waiting, and started babbling cheerfully about things that had happened during her training sessions. It was _small_ things, stories about someone getting a hole in their favourite boots, or the indignation of some boy whose boyfriend hadn’t been as attentive as he ought to have been. Normally, Ori tuned out these stories when he heard them, not seeing their point, and even then he didn’t really listen, not enough to really catch what was going on, but he didn’t _mind_ either. Having Kili be the one to talk about that made it a little more interesting, if only because she sometimes got so passionate about it.

Kili also managed to get Fili really talking, and by the look of it, that was no small feat. There was no discussing that she’d done it on purpose, either. Most of her stories had involved musical instruments of some sort at some point, and she’d repeatedly asked Ori about what sort of music he liked, before saying some nonsense about a particular piece of music. Fili, who had played with his knife every time music was mentioned, jumped in to correct her, and with careful coaxing from his sister, he started telling Ori about violins, and how they worked, and the sort of training required to play them even barely _decently_. Ori learned more about violins than he ever had in his life, and he didn’t mind one bit. He told himself it was because it was interesting, but the fact that Fili was smiling so freely and happily certainly helped too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> byyyyyy the way, since this is chapter three, I guess it's time to mention that I'm writing all this based on personal experience, and intensive reading. Meaning, eh, there's going to be time when I mess up, probably. Don't hesitate to say if I do! I'm not that experienced with... well, the way other people experience things. I'm trying to read as much as possible because it won't be a very interesting fic if everyone's the same (nor will it be an accurate one)but, yeah  
> don't hesitate to tell me if I fuck up (or to suggest reading material)(I love reading material)(reading material is awesome)


	4. aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili after the dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter because I wanted to have something from Fili's pov  
> and because writing someone being exhausted and anxious felt good right now

Fili collapsed on a chair as soon as Ori and Kili were gone. It had been a nice evening, a great one even, but he was glad when Ori had announced he was tired. Fili himself wasn’t sure he could have held himself together much longer.

Ori wasn’t as exhausting as most people, but he still was a person, and it had been a long day. He’d almost called off the whole thing, but he knew what last minute changes did to him, and it had not wanted to inflict that to poor Ori. And he had managed very well, better than he would have thought, but he’d pushed himself harder than he should have and now he could barely even move. Which was ridiculous of course, and he hated when that happened. Other people didn’t have that problem. Normal people didn’t have that problem. Kili could talk and chat for hours and feel perfectly well, but Fili couldn’t, because he was broken and a mess and…

Taking a deep breath, the prince manage to push away the dark thoughts. They did not help and only made him feel worse. When he realized he was making himself feel bad for feeling bad, Fili gathered any strength he had left and got up. There was the table to clean, dishes to wash, and these were good things to do. Easy tasks to keep himself busy and quiet his mind.

The kitchen was almost entirely clean by the time Kili came back, and it made her smile.

“You know, I’m going to enjoy having Ori here even more if it means you tidy up everything afterward,” she joked. Fili didn’t answer, focus on scraping away one last spot on a dish, and Kili turned serious. “You look exhausted. Leave that to me, I’ll take care of it.”

“Almost done.”

“Yeah, and I’ll be the one doing it,” Kili said softly. “Go to bed, it’s been a long day. And tomorrow, we’ll see if you think it was worth getting this tired, okay?”

“You like him,” Fili stated, allowing his sister to take away the dish he was holding. “You tried to flirt with him.”

Kili nodded, and gently pulled him out of the kitchen.

“He’s nice, and sweet,” she admitted. “He’s fun to talk to, even if he doesn’t speak much, and he’s pretty, and… yeah, I like him. So do you, don’t you?”

Fili nodded distractedly, too tired to be careful. He liked Ori. It was so nice to meet someone who might understand, even just a little, what it felt like to be him. And Ori had seemed sincerely interested when Fili had talked about violins… the prince had been told more than once that he was annoying when he spoke of that, even by people who also liked playing, but Ori had listened and even asked questions.

“We’ll see how you feel tomorrow,” Kili repeated. “If you’re too tired to work with uncle, then we’d better give up on this right away… but that’ll be a problem for tomorrow.”

That meant Fili would have to hide how tired he was, he decided. He wanted to see Ori again and chat, and he knew that Kili wanted it too, but that she wouldn’t be seeing him alone because she had odd ideas about not wanting to leave her brother alone. It annoyed Fili sometimes, and they’d had a few arguments about it. He was not a child, and he could manage on his own if he had to… even if it was often more comfortable to have his sister with him.

He could have convinced her to spend time with Ori on her own probably, if he’d tried hard enough, but it would have taken a lot of energy and he wanted to be friend with the scribe too. It probably made him selfish. His uncle would probably have said that he shouldn’t be wasting his energy on something so foolish. Fili himself knew that making a new friend would be exhausting, because it always was, and it might have an impact on his other duties, and it made him a bad prince.

“You’re thinking bad thoughts,” Kili grumbled as they arrived to their room. “I can tell. Should I ask about it now, or do you just need sleep?”

“I like Ori but I’m so tired,” Fili mumbled, starting to undress. “I’m _always_ so tired.”

Kili nodded.

“Go to sleep. Tomorrow we’ll think about ways to make you less tired.”

Fili tried to thank her, but he was too exhausted even for words. He only removed half of his clothes before dropping on his bed, and he was asleep as soon as his head touched his pillow.

 


End file.
